In a world saturated with throat-clearing movie reviews and posh editorial excuses (designed, of course, to kiss the ass of Hollywood's elite names, while bolstering ticket sales), I'll take pride (thank you very much!) in being the first critic to set the damn record straight. No bullshit! Just the facts... the way I see them. Of course. With that said, black is black and white is white. And Tim Burton's new comedy-spook, Dark Shadows, either hits or misses. Well, in my opinion, ladies and gentlemen (no drum rolls needed, really) Dark Shadows is a :
MISS!
Okay. I know I may sound oh-so-confident in my decision, here, but, honestly, I kind of struggled with this one. In fact, I had to sleep on it. I was torn. Here's why. The film's striking cinematography evoked memories of Stefan Czapsky's masterful work in Edward Scissorhands. So, kudos to Bruno Delbonnel; the dark shadows (pun intended, people) which he casts in this picture give the film a gripping presence. And how about the score - an instant HIT (but then again, Danny Elfman rarely misses). But, that's where the praise ends. Apart from the mood and music, folks, this flick really has nothing else going for it. I'll even go as far as saying it's one of Burton's lesser pictures (though, who can forget the gaaaawd awful Planet of The Apes in '01...uggggh). So, there you have it. Dark Shadows packs an atmospheric punch, yes, but that's about it. The dialogue - though quite comedic at times - is, overall, lame, and lacking in purpose. The acting - apart from Depp and Pfeiffer's somewhat convincing performances - is shallow (and that's saying a lot, since the cast was star-studded, featuring the likes of Helena Bonham Carter, Eva Green, and rising star Chloë Grace Moretz, to name a few). Still, I felt like I watching a glorified high school play. And, to be quiet honest, the acting might've been a tad bit better had writer Seth Grahame-Smith given the actors some more engaging material to work with.
To summarize, Dark Shadows is based off of the hit 1960's TV show of the same name, created by Dan Curtis, and starring Jonathan Frid, Grayson Hall, and Nancy Barrett. The movie is about a young aristocrat by the name of Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) who is cursed by one of his servant girls, Angelique Bouchard (Eva Green), when he refuses to return her love, following a passionate, but driveling sexual affair. You see, Bouchard is a witch. And, as she puts it simply to Barnabas Collins: "If I can't have you, I will destroy you and your family." And that's exactly what Bouchard does, when Collins falls in love - true love - with another girl, an innocent dove by the name of Josette DuPres. And to put the icing on the cake, Bouchard, after executing Collins' family, condemns Collins to eternal despair, by sticking him in a vampire's body, and burying him in a wooden box. That is, until 200 years later, when Collins reemerges from his centuries-old slumber, seeking to exact revenge and restore his family name...
Great premise. Sucky movie. Worth the price of admission? Yeah... at Red Box.
Review by James Pierre
